Post by Harachel on Mar 21, 2009 0:42:16 GMT -5
This is, putting it simply, a brief ramble about trying to define myself, for both myself and for others.
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FIDELIS DE CLAUSULAE
It is hard to explain myself. I sit in a reclining sofa with this laptop in my lap, and I solely desire to simply pour my heart and soul onto this document. It is much more difficult than I thought. I feel torn between two very distinct personalities - one of light, and one of dark. When I say light, I mean friendly, social, loving. When I say dark...
It is hard to word my emotions when I feel the word ‘dark’. It is such an interesting word. Mysterious, dangerous, intriguing... As I said, I do not just hear the word as I do various other words. It strikes a chord within me. To be specific, it is the minor chord that changes my entire personality. I feel a powerful aura emitting from me, telling me to think harder. However, the more I try, the more difficult this task becomes. Questions arise as more and more remain unanswered.
I am curious as to what my purpose is. I am intelligent, without a doubt, but what does this say? Do I want to be a doctor? A mathematician? A teacher? No to all of them. I do not seek a certain profession. I simply cannot fathom how I would live with such a repetitive lifestyle. Am I not destined for a cookie-cutter life? I struggle to admit that I believe that I have a greater purpose, although I am not currently aware of what said purpose is. As mentioned earlier, this causes me much anxiety and stress. Until now, I have lived a normal life. However, I feel as though this is where normal ends, and abnormal takes over. What does that mean?
I feel the auras of those around me. Most of them are common - desiring love, companionship, and wisdom - but there are some I find intriguing. I would name those who possess these auras, but I do not dare, for I don’t know the extent of their knowledge about what they are. What they are. It brightens my days when I remind myself that I am not alone, but deep down, I know that I am. Those around me have not awakened yet, or at least not as completely as I have. I wish to develop my relationships with these individuals so that I can guide them through their awakenings. Being alone through mine has caused my mind to be very weary. I am still so confused.
I can feel Him around me. I wish I could tell how others live their life, and if they can feel him as well. I know He is watching my every move, making sure I follow the path he has set out for me. So far, I have done so, but I do not know where this path will lead me. Will I be hurt? Mentally or physically? Will I hurt others? Mentally or physically? I do not want to hurt those I love, for the pain it would cause me would be unbearable. However, I have no control over this. My actions are not mine, for my will is not free.
Crying to the stars, I beg to know why I have been sent here. I know in advance that I will not receive an upfront answer, but I plead regardless. His messages to me are subtle, and they require my utmost concentration. However, they do come. They comfort me.
I sit here, thinking about how my personality has taken a radical shift, but there is no point. I will go to school on Monday, and return to my normal, cheery, entertaining self. I wish this would not happen, but it is always the case. I wish I could confide this to someone, instead of this simple peace of paper. I wish for those close to me to see what goes through my mind. I wish for them to see how complex it is. I wish for them to be aware of what I really am.
---------
FIDELIS DE CLAUSULAE
It is hard to explain myself. I sit in a reclining sofa with this laptop in my lap, and I solely desire to simply pour my heart and soul onto this document. It is much more difficult than I thought. I feel torn between two very distinct personalities - one of light, and one of dark. When I say light, I mean friendly, social, loving. When I say dark...
It is hard to word my emotions when I feel the word ‘dark’. It is such an interesting word. Mysterious, dangerous, intriguing... As I said, I do not just hear the word as I do various other words. It strikes a chord within me. To be specific, it is the minor chord that changes my entire personality. I feel a powerful aura emitting from me, telling me to think harder. However, the more I try, the more difficult this task becomes. Questions arise as more and more remain unanswered.
I am curious as to what my purpose is. I am intelligent, without a doubt, but what does this say? Do I want to be a doctor? A mathematician? A teacher? No to all of them. I do not seek a certain profession. I simply cannot fathom how I would live with such a repetitive lifestyle. Am I not destined for a cookie-cutter life? I struggle to admit that I believe that I have a greater purpose, although I am not currently aware of what said purpose is. As mentioned earlier, this causes me much anxiety and stress. Until now, I have lived a normal life. However, I feel as though this is where normal ends, and abnormal takes over. What does that mean?
I feel the auras of those around me. Most of them are common - desiring love, companionship, and wisdom - but there are some I find intriguing. I would name those who possess these auras, but I do not dare, for I don’t know the extent of their knowledge about what they are. What they are. It brightens my days when I remind myself that I am not alone, but deep down, I know that I am. Those around me have not awakened yet, or at least not as completely as I have. I wish to develop my relationships with these individuals so that I can guide them through their awakenings. Being alone through mine has caused my mind to be very weary. I am still so confused.
I can feel Him around me. I wish I could tell how others live their life, and if they can feel him as well. I know He is watching my every move, making sure I follow the path he has set out for me. So far, I have done so, but I do not know where this path will lead me. Will I be hurt? Mentally or physically? Will I hurt others? Mentally or physically? I do not want to hurt those I love, for the pain it would cause me would be unbearable. However, I have no control over this. My actions are not mine, for my will is not free.
Crying to the stars, I beg to know why I have been sent here. I know in advance that I will not receive an upfront answer, but I plead regardless. His messages to me are subtle, and they require my utmost concentration. However, they do come. They comfort me.
I sit here, thinking about how my personality has taken a radical shift, but there is no point. I will go to school on Monday, and return to my normal, cheery, entertaining self. I wish this would not happen, but it is always the case. I wish I could confide this to someone, instead of this simple peace of paper. I wish for those close to me to see what goes through my mind. I wish for them to see how complex it is. I wish for them to be aware of what I really am.
